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It's common to experience anxious and intimidated in the "grief support" part. This is one of the reasons why otherwise caring people sometimes say hurtful, minimizing, or unhelpful things to their bereaved loved ones and why they sometimes avert their grieving friends and family members birthday. Hopefully, if nothing else, all of you reading this after Googling "how to support a grieving friend" will take solace knowing your fear is normal and (likely) not indicative of a personal trouble.
Terminal month several of the people I dearest experienced the expiry of someonetheylove. I sent flowers, I wrote cards, and said "I'll exist here if you need anything" but overall I felt useless, ineffective, and unhelpful. I knew these friends and family members were inbound the darkness of grief and that all I could really offering them was timid encouragement and the offer of back up.
I started thinking about this reality (and drawing very bad stick figure cartoons about information technology) and ultimately decided to plow to our readers to ask fortheirperspective. I posted a question on Facebook and Instagram asking our readers what the all-time thing any person or people did for them in them in the days, weeks, months, and years after their loss. I expected to get a scattering of responses, but instead we received close to 150.
Reading all these responses was an incredibly moving experience and information technology helped me to realize a few of import things.
- At that place are a lot of awesomely supportive family and friends out there.
- The things people find helpful are very specific to who they are as people and to their unique circumstances.
- Having a expert support system is never about any one person saying or doing the verbal right affair. Rather information technology'south about having a network of support people who come together to help in big and small means. And information technology's the pocket-sized gestures that are oft almost appreciated!
I'm sad we tin't share all the responses we received, only if y'all want to read the individual comments you tin go here. Instead nosotros'd like to share a few themes, or principles, that emerged as most helpful and supportive to grieving individuals.
1. Send something
In the past we've given flowers a fleck of a bad rap because, while lovely to have at the services, (one) it's hard to know what to do with them afterwards and (2) flowers die and when they exercise they odor terrible. The truth is, though, I often send flowers when I feel that it'south appropriate. If you think the person would appreciate flowers, or if you lot retrieve that you volition be ane of the but people who ship them, and then send them.
Now if y'all become the sense thatmanypeople volition send flowers, you may want to think outside of the box. Some suggestions that people noted as especially helpful include sending/dropping off:
- Home cooked meals
- Remembrance items
- Food and home staples
- Thoughtful cards and letters
- Souvenir cards to somewhere applied or self-care related
- Items that belonged to the person
- Care box with self-care items
2. Offer practical support
People ofttimes need practical back up afterwards the decease of a loved 1 for two reasons (1) considering their deceased loved one used to handle certain things and fill sure roles and (2) because grief makes it hard to care almost the minutia of day-to-day life. Inquire yourself, what might my loved one demand help with and what unique skills do I take to offer? If you observe that you aren't the all-time person to assist fill a potential need, you might also consider purchasing a gift certificate and then your loved one can rent someone at their ain convenience (i.e. a cleaning service or a landscaper).
A few examples of helpful practical support that were shared include…
When a friend or family fellow member…
- Leant a paw with piddling day-to-day tasks
- Helped with children or pets
- Helped the bereaved sort through a loved i'southward belonging or helped to clean out a house
- Helped with g piece of work
- Cleaned the house
- Helped with odd jobs around the house
- Taught the person how to handle new tasks and responsibilities (i.eastward. finances, lawn intendance, childcare, etc)
- Sent meals
- Gave them a identify to stay when they didn't want to stay alone in their home
- Accompanied them on sure outings
3. Be there
Many people expressed that friends and family unit "beingness there", physically and/or emotionally, was one of the most helpful gifts a person could take given them later on their loved one died. To clarify,"beingness there" goes across a vague and non-comital – "let me know if you demand anything".Let's be honest, this is often the last phrase someone utters before going MIA on their grieving family unit member or friend. Not helpful.
Examples of how to "be there" in a real wayvary, but include some of the following:
When a supportive friend or family member…
- Physically showed up during the bereaved'south fourth dimension of need
- Continued to check in on a regular basis via text bulletin or phone
- Regularly offered a elementary "I beloved you" or "I'm thinking of yous"
- Shared meals with the bereaved when they knew they were struggling to consume alone
- Called just to talk
- Offered a existent hug
- Offered a hanky
- Offered sincere and simple words of support and encouragement
4. Assist them take a break
I of my favorite grief theories, the Dual Process Model, says that a griever will oscillate between against their loss and avoiding the loss. Under this model, seeking respite from grief is a salubrious part of coping. This makes sense, right? Sometimes a person needs a petty time to feel normal or to engage in activities that give them a heave of positive emotion. This being the case, it may be helpful to offer or encourage distraction; with the caveat that yous should never push button a person to minimize, movement on, or forget their loss and with the understanding that their grief could overcome them at any moment (particularly in the early days) and thats okay.
Some of the things that people noted as providing positive distraction include….
- Laughter
- Sharing positive memories of their loved one
- Taking them out for a meal
- Taking them to the movies or on other recreational outings
- Accompanying them to parties or other social gatherings
five. Be willing to "go at that place" with them
Something people often express their appreciation for is having friends and family who are willing to exist present for the sad and uncomfortable moments without trying to fix them and without showing fear, discomfort, or judgment.
Being willing to "go there" with a bereaved individual can hateful many things. A few noted examples include…
When friends or family members were willing to…
- Be present for the tears, acrimony, and outbursts without judgment
- Sit in silence
- Talk almost the person who died – say their proper noun, share memories, bring them upwardly
- Merely let the bereaved person weep
- Offering validation and/or normalize the experience
- Truly listen (without trying to offer advice)
- Have the person's grief months and fifty-fifty years later
vi. Don't forget
Role of beingness a supportive family member or friend is understanding that grief is, in many ways, a forever thing. Your loved ane doesn't just demand your support in the immediate backwash of loss, but also in the years to come up. Days similar anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, Mother's Twenty-four hours and Father's Day, weddings, and graduations may forever land somewhere on the spectrum of sad to bloodshot.
Yous can bear witness your ongoing support for a grieving loved ane by doing the following…
- Sending a card or checking in on the days you think may be difficult
- Recognizing that the certain times of twelvemonth, similar the time of twelvemonth when their loved one died, may exist difficult
- Continuing to share memories and to talk about their loved ane
- Continuing to randomly (or regularly) check in with the person
- Acknowledging that happy days may exist somewhat bloodshot
- Acknowledging that the person who died is e'er with them
Have we missed something? Share your feedback below in the comments department.
Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/support-grieving-family-member-friend-6-principals/
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